Liftin' without the 'Pod

When I'm at the gym, Ivan II is my workout buddy. He's a sleek 30 gigabyte piece of Apple perfection. His predecessor, Ivan I, got ripped off out of my locker at the gym last year. It was an inside job. The "housekeeper" who chills in the locker room was one of two other guys at the gym (it was 3 a.m. after all), and he was the only person in the locker room when I took Ivan off and rolled him up into my jeans. I stupidly forgot a lock. I thought the fact that I take 2 minute showers and that the gym was empty made it safe. I was wrong. When I came back to my locker, Ivan was gone.

Having worked with housekeepers at my own gym. I have no doubt they are a shady bunch. So I urge you all to buy good locks. Also, heed the warnings on the signs that say "Locks will be removed daily," because when they feel like it - they'll clip the crap out of all the locks and loot the booty inside the lockers.

On the night of the iPod heist, I got out of the shower, headed to my locker and realized Ivan was missing. I checked and rechecked every square inch of the locker. His case was gone, earbuds and all - stolen away. I was enraged. The front desk guy said to me "nobody turned anything in." No kidding, dickwad. He also told me that a lot of people had been coming in and out. "In the past 5 minutes?" I asked. "Yeah. People are always coming through." How amazing that they knew exactly which of the 100 or so lockers had an iPod rolled up into jeans.

Ivan was gone for good.

I hate that housekeeper. To retaliate I started taking a few towels every single time I went, and I dumped out the bodywash in the shower on more than one occasion just to make the lazy housekeeper do more work. I stopped putting towels in the bins because I wanted him to have to do it.

Soon after the Podsnatching, a rich guy that I met and dated for 2 seconds bought me Ivan II. It's always handy to meet a rich guy who likes to show off his ability to fly you places and buy you gadgets.

Anyway, last night I was in such a rush to get from school to the gym to meet up with my clients that I forgot Ivan II at home. This was going to be a podless workout and I couldn't recall a time in recent history that I had to workout without music. I have my Podrunner podcasts for my cardio, I and I have my special "Gym-N-E-Mix-It" playlist that keeps me so wound up it isn't even funny. Working out in the evenings, I need the music to keep me pushing hard the entire time so I was dreading what it would be like to workout without the "don't talk to me because I have earbuds in" veil of privacy.

Turns out, I really do hate working out without my music to keep me bouncing around and to keep from overhearing annoying gym conversations. To top it all off, I saw a hetero kiss on the gym floor!! If you're keeping track, that's 2 gay kisses (one of which bordered on "making out") and 1 straight kiss in the past few weeks. The couple made me nauseous, with him touching her ass and grunting through his sets the whole time. I heard a woman tell her friend that her dentist rests his arms on her boobs (and that she doesn't mind at all because he's cute), and I heard a guy talking on his cell phone while he worked out -- phone in one hand, dumbell in the other doing lazy bicep curls.

So in honor of good gym music I am listing some of my favorite gym pieces for you to download from a free source, or from iTunes. They are all somewhat older songs because I dont' think you should have to concentrate on new music while you're working out.

1. Adema: The Way You Like It. This song pumps me up more than any other song - it's sexy, it's hardcore. A rougher Linkin Park knock-off with a catchy chorus that will hook you hard.
2. Cake: Going the Distance. It was made for the gym, you can totally get into the message, "driving and striving as fast as he can . . . he's going the distance," Plus, the Howard Dean-esque "Yahh!" at 1:08 makes it all worth it.
3. Dangerous Muse: The Rejection. Of course a modern gay anthem has to be on the list. This is a catchy, chill, fast-talking song that will keep you bopping around. "How could you not want me, I'm hot."
4. Pat Benetar: Love is Battlefield. This song needs a remake, or at least a rebirth - it is way, way, way too good to be forgotten and it's gym friendly, "We are strong . . ." Get out your neon colors and hairspray people.
5. Kelly Clarkson/Chris Cox Remix: Walk Away. This could be in the #1 spot as it's one of my absolute favorite remixes. It makes an already decent song extra decent.
6. Kate Bush: Jig of Life. Pure adredenaline. Clearly the most "out there" of any other on the list, but this song with move you - the music is genius, the lyrics are . . . well, just ignore them . . . they're neat but they make Tori Amos seem rational.
7. Breaking Laces: God in Training. This is a group that has yet to "hit big" but I love this song. It's fun to listen to at the gym, when you're training your body.
8. Beyonce: Work It Out. Also made for working out, or at least working "it" out. You'll be shakin' your bootyliciousness all around the gym. It's also a perfectly chill tempo for curls or crunches.
9. Justin Timberlake: SexyBack(Dirty). Sigh. This shouldn't be on the list simply because we've had enough of it but in terms of getting you pumped out about pumping it up - it works. Plus, he's cute so it's ok.
10. Maroon 5: Shiver. I love Adam Levine so he has to be on the list - it's my personal gym favorite from the cute maroon boys. This one, or the Kanye West remix of This love will make you a tougher, leaner, meaner, gym god.