Rubbin' One Out

To commemorate the end of a really long and laborious, yet mostly meaningless semester, I got my first massage. Yes, my first massage in 30 years. I was partially interested in the idea after reading about Cooper's massage at the end of his semester. However, mine wasn't nearly as exciting, but it sure did the trick.

It was at this place in Noho, a tiny little hole-in-the-wall, that still managed to not seem creepy. It is run by a group of Thai women who waste no time getting you onto the table from the second you walk in the door. There are no separate rooms, just a series of five low partitions and some bamboo blinds. The lights were low, faint music was playing, and there was a faint smell of incense burning.

Since I had never done this before, I had gotten some advice and or "warnings" about what to expect. There I was standing next to the table. Nobody said, take off your clothes. I had this quick fear that I would get naked and then she'd come back with some paperwork for me to fill out or something. I am more used to people taking off my clothes for me in a fit of passion - but for this occasion I decided that I didn't need somebody to pull my pants down and I proceeded.

I got to the underwear, leave them on, take them off? I didn't know what to do. Given the fact that there was a wide open view and the potential for people to see how amazing these underwear look, I decided to keep them on. These are the absolute best pair of underwear I own. They were a brand new pair of Diesel briefs and on the back they say "Only the brave." Haha, perfect!

I am laying on my stomach, ass in the air. A woman comes in and starts right away with some long sweeping motions. I don't know why, but I was really nervous about this. I had no idea of what she intended to do. In no time, I relented and just laid limp letting her move me around as needed.

The woman pushed and dug into me real hard. Since I have been working out pretty intensely lately my body was screaming. Massage really is something people who lift weights are supposed to do - it's a part of the whole package. When we work out and put tiny tears into our muscle tissue, it doesn't repair smoothly. In order to get the best results you have to rub it out. My new woman friend had found two wicked knots in my back and she was not leaving until they were gone. At one point I thought I was going to pass out.

But I liked it.

Once she moved on from my upper back I sighed with relief. She moved some towels around and the yanked my underwear down. Ooooh. She tucked a towel into the top of my underwear and the whole time I was hoping, "did she leave it so the cute waistband was still showing?" She climbed up on to the table and straddled me more than once. But the last time she did it she was squeezing her thighs into me and pushing down into my ass. Sheesh. I hate to say it but that was really, really exciting. It's not fair that she was pressing me into the table like that. My mind started to wander. I mean, I am only human. I don't even like girls - but when somebody is straddling you - and you're face down - it's easy to pretend that it's anybody you want it to be - even Ryan Phillipe.

So I kept trying to focus on other things. I developed an emergency plan in case she asked me to roll over at that moment. I decided that I would pretend to fall to the floor - and the commotion that would ensue would certainly relieve any excitement. Thankfully, she had more work to do with my hamstrings, and calves.

Once I relaxed into the idea of a woman rubbing me with oil all over my body I started thinking that I wanted to suggest parts on which to focus. However, not a single word was spoken between the two of us the entire hour. But, based on what she did to my back side I was really revved up for a nice rub down of my chest, biceps, quads, and feet. Sigh. She flipped me over, rubbed my head (which was real nice) and then moved down to my feet. What? She skipped my chest? My aching, sore, needing-a-rub chest!? I wanted it badly but the magic she did with my feet made it all ok.

I have been known to say that I would rather have a foot rub than anything else. That includes any sort of sordid lovemaking or variation therein. The key to my hotspot is in a good footrub. I was in pure heaven. She was squeezing and rubbing and bending each one with sheer perfection. I was really in a state of euphoria. Then, she tapped the top of my feet, murmurred something and walked away.

We're done?! Just like that? It's over? I opened my eyes and saw the clock. It had been just over an hour since I arrived. Crap. That was fast. Now I know how straight women feel when a guy is making them feel really good and then they just up and leave and/or roll over and fall asleep. I remained on the table for a good minute just being still before I got dressed and paid the woman 50 bucks. Yes, people, 42 bucks for an hour massage - in New York.

I kept thinking that she should be making more money for all this work. People pay double for training, and what she is doing feels a whole hell of a lot better.

Like I said before, everybody needs to be aware of what the muscle tissue in their body is doing. Granted, you don't have to get a massage to do this. There are so many ways to self-massage, and g-rated uses of the sauna, steamroom to help in the effort. What I use, and what I encourage my clients to use is something called Self-Myofascial Release (SMR). The word "release" in the context of massage is usually something more thrilling - in this case I'm talking about using a foam roller.

You've probably seen these at the gym and wondered what they are for. It's worth asking a trainer to show you how to use them. If they don't know how to use them, or don't think they are an important and valuable part of fitness - they shouldn't be working and you should run away screaming. In a nutshell, these foam rollers provide a deep-tissue massage - for free! They help work on muscle tension relationships (when your posture is messed up - even in ways you don't at first realize), and on general tightness in muscles. It is a great way to warm up for a workout.

On days you run, you want to SMR your calves and hamstrings. When you're doing squats you want to SMR your legs and your lower back. When you want to feel really great and do better crunches so you can have hotter abs - you SMR your upper and lower back - it is pure pleasure. It is best to show you how to do this in real life - so New Yorkers let me know and I'll hook you up - but essentially you apply your own body weight into the roll and you, well, you roll.

You can read more about it here or you can go ahead and buy one here. This document is a hugely comprehensive guide to how to use it once you get it. It's the kind of toy that will make you feel good - just like that one hiding under your bed you sicko perv.