Rubbin' One Out

To commemorate the end of a really long and laborious, yet mostly meaningless semester, I got my first massage. Yes, my first massage in 30 years. I was partially interested in the idea after reading about Cooper's massage at the end of his semester. However, mine wasn't nearly as exciting, but it sure did the trick.

It was at this place in Noho, a tiny little hole-in-the-wall, that still managed to not seem creepy. It is run by a group of Thai women who waste no time getting you onto the table from the second you walk in the door. There are no separate rooms, just a series of five low partitions and some bamboo blinds. The lights were low, faint music was playing, and there was a faint smell of incense burning.

Since I had never done this before, I had gotten some advice and or "warnings" about what to expect. There I was standing next to the table. Nobody said, take off your clothes. I had this quick fear that I would get naked and then she'd come back with some paperwork for me to fill out or something. I am more used to people taking off my clothes for me in a fit of passion - but for this occasion I decided that I didn't need somebody to pull my pants down and I proceeded.

I got to the underwear, leave them on, take them off? I didn't know what to do. Given the fact that there was a wide open view and the potential for people to see how amazing these underwear look, I decided to keep them on. These are the absolute best pair of underwear I own. They were a brand new pair of Diesel briefs and on the back they say "Only the brave." Haha, perfect!

I am laying on my stomach, ass in the air. A woman comes in and starts right away with some long sweeping motions. I don't know why, but I was really nervous about this. I had no idea of what she intended to do. In no time, I relented and just laid limp letting her move me around as needed.

The woman pushed and dug into me real hard. Since I have been working out pretty intensely lately my body was screaming. Massage really is something people who lift weights are supposed to do - it's a part of the whole package. When we work out and put tiny tears into our muscle tissue, it doesn't repair smoothly. In order to get the best results you have to rub it out. My new woman friend had found two wicked knots in my back and she was not leaving until they were gone. At one point I thought I was going to pass out.

But I liked it.

Once she moved on from my upper back I sighed with relief. She moved some towels around and the yanked my underwear down. Ooooh. She tucked a towel into the top of my underwear and the whole time I was hoping, "did she leave it so the cute waistband was still showing?" She climbed up on to the table and straddled me more than once. But the last time she did it she was squeezing her thighs into me and pushing down into my ass. Sheesh. I hate to say it but that was really, really exciting. It's not fair that she was pressing me into the table like that. My mind started to wander. I mean, I am only human. I don't even like girls - but when somebody is straddling you - and you're face down - it's easy to pretend that it's anybody you want it to be - even Ryan Phillipe.

So I kept trying to focus on other things. I developed an emergency plan in case she asked me to roll over at that moment. I decided that I would pretend to fall to the floor - and the commotion that would ensue would certainly relieve any excitement. Thankfully, she had more work to do with my hamstrings, and calves.

Once I relaxed into the idea of a woman rubbing me with oil all over my body I started thinking that I wanted to suggest parts on which to focus. However, not a single word was spoken between the two of us the entire hour. But, based on what she did to my back side I was really revved up for a nice rub down of my chest, biceps, quads, and feet. Sigh. She flipped me over, rubbed my head (which was real nice) and then moved down to my feet. What? She skipped my chest? My aching, sore, needing-a-rub chest!? I wanted it badly but the magic she did with my feet made it all ok.

I have been known to say that I would rather have a foot rub than anything else. That includes any sort of sordid lovemaking or variation therein. The key to my hotspot is in a good footrub. I was in pure heaven. She was squeezing and rubbing and bending each one with sheer perfection. I was really in a state of euphoria. Then, she tapped the top of my feet, murmurred something and walked away.

We're done?! Just like that? It's over? I opened my eyes and saw the clock. It had been just over an hour since I arrived. Crap. That was fast. Now I know how straight women feel when a guy is making them feel really good and then they just up and leave and/or roll over and fall asleep. I remained on the table for a good minute just being still before I got dressed and paid the woman 50 bucks. Yes, people, 42 bucks for an hour massage - in New York.

I kept thinking that she should be making more money for all this work. People pay double for training, and what she is doing feels a whole hell of a lot better.

Like I said before, everybody needs to be aware of what the muscle tissue in their body is doing. Granted, you don't have to get a massage to do this. There are so many ways to self-massage, and g-rated uses of the sauna, steamroom to help in the effort. What I use, and what I encourage my clients to use is something called Self-Myofascial Release (SMR). The word "release" in the context of massage is usually something more thrilling - in this case I'm talking about using a foam roller.

You've probably seen these at the gym and wondered what they are for. It's worth asking a trainer to show you how to use them. If they don't know how to use them, or don't think they are an important and valuable part of fitness - they shouldn't be working and you should run away screaming. In a nutshell, these foam rollers provide a deep-tissue massage - for free! They help work on muscle tension relationships (when your posture is messed up - even in ways you don't at first realize), and on general tightness in muscles. It is a great way to warm up for a workout.

On days you run, you want to SMR your calves and hamstrings. When you're doing squats you want to SMR your legs and your lower back. When you want to feel really great and do better crunches so you can have hotter abs - you SMR your upper and lower back - it is pure pleasure. It is best to show you how to do this in real life - so New Yorkers let me know and I'll hook you up - but essentially you apply your own body weight into the roll and you, well, you roll.

You can read more about it here or you can go ahead and buy one here. This document is a hugely comprehensive guide to how to use it once you get it. It's the kind of toy that will make you feel good - just like that one hiding under your bed you sicko perv.

Your Butt: An Owner's Guide

I'm willing to wager that you're sitting on your butt right now. An average of 27% of Americans get no physical activity outside of walking to and from cars or to the fridge for some chicken wings and a beer.

Granted, my fellow New Yorkers are more likely to be walking further differences and up more flights of stairs, but still, we sit on our asses like we're hens in a pen waiting for our eggs to hatch. For all of you who work in offices, your occupational hazard is the chair and it's putting you at the greatest risk for a butt crisis.

If that doesn't compel you to get up and move around (after you finish reading the blog) then maybe the explanation I give to my clients will inspire you.

Here's the deal, your largest butt muscle (the Gluteus Maximus (G-Max) extends your hip joint. Sitting flexes your hip joint. So with every second that you sit, your major butt muscle is getting stretched and stretched.

Sigh.

I like clients to imagine a piece of elastic. That elastic is like your ass. The constant stretching eventually causes it to lose its ability to return to its original shape. At this point, clients typically have a look of horror on their faces, their hands slowly moving to squeeze their once taut, early 20s, perky ass that has now become soft and droopy. And while we're at it, a nice ass isn't just for women. Guys are always asking me for tips with their ass.

Alright that's one reason you may be the victim of a butt crisis. But there is more bad news. The muscle that helps to give your butt that nice sculpted look is the Gluteus Medius (G-Med) which is responsible for hip abduction (moving your leg away from your body laterally). The most prolific vision of hip abduction is none other than Miss Jane Fonda. Unfortunately, we are always moving forward. The G-Med is one of the most ignored muscles on our body, and it is an important one for keeping your legs in optimum alignment as well as for the obvious cosmetic benefits that come from a firm tush.

By this point you should be sufficiently concerned about your derriere's appearance. The other things to consider are the real responsibilities of that huge-ass (pun intended) muscle group. A strong g-max is pretty much mandatory when it comes to reducing lower back pain. A weakened G-Max causes a tilt in your pelvis that might look like an overly arched lower back. It may look good when you're dancing in a Beyoncé video but the bottom line is that eventually your back is going to hurt and soon you won't be able to straighten out your posture. Couple that with osteoporosis in a few years and you're as good as immobile. Forever.

Ok, ok, I overstated the case - but only a little.

All this hysteria about the great hind-end crisis, what are we to do? How about an Ass-Kickin' Workout or two? Try 3 of my favorite butt exercises below, or if you're ass is more likely to win a SAG award than Helen Mirren or Jennifer Hudson then check email me at DashboardG2 at mac.com for a complete Butt Blaster, Tush Toner, Hiney Helper workout I designed for beginners and/or one for the more advanced.

Stability and Endurance: The Bridge
Bridging begins on your back, your arms at your sides, ankles directly under the knees.
As you exhale you will engage your glutes (and of course draw in your abdomen) while you lift your pelvis toward the ceiling.
You are aiming to create a straight line from your knees to your shoulders, keeping your glutes activated the entire time. Hold this position for 30-60 seconds, rest for a moment, and repeat at least 6 times.
Advance the bridge by trying it with one leg at a time.
Keeping your pelvis level as it rises, straighten one leg while keeping your knees in line with each other.
Further advance the bridge by incorporating a stability ball.
Place your heels at the crest of the ball and press your pelvis upward.
This too can be done with one leg at a time. The opportunities are limitless I tell ya!

Strength and Stability: Ball Hamstring Curl (slightly advanced)
Assume the bridge position using a stability ball by placing your heels at the crest of the ball and pressing your pelvis toward the ceiling.
Exhale while activating your glutes, pressing your pelvis upward and pulling the ball toward your body. You must aim to keep a straight line (the entire time) between your knees and your shoulders. The final destination is pictured.
Slowly return the ball to the starting position, repeat 6-12 times.

Shaping and Toning: Lateral band Walking *
You want to get your hands on small power bands or track them down at your gym. If they don't have any - demand that they get some. There are various degrees of resistance, but each one serves some purpose.
The band will go around your ankles for this exercise.
You will stand up straight, exhale as you move your leg away from the other leg and step to the side. Keep your tush tucked in naturally as you do this.
Try moving 4 steps to the right and then 4 steps to the right. Repeat until you have moved 24 steps.
Try both keeping your knee extended and also with your legs in a slightly bent position.
For an added total-body bonus, toss in some lightweight dumbbell shoulder presses as you step.
After each set of 24 steps, rest for 30 seconds. Repeat 3-5 times. Your butt will be burning.

*If you don't have any bands, you can still do this same thing with ankle weights, or laying on your side and lifting your leg up away from the other (see Jane Fonda above). Keep your foot flexed and your knee extended. Complete the full range of motion, do this 25 times, roll over and repeat. Rest, and do it all again.

At the very least - incorporate bridging into your workout. That, or just get up and walk. Whenever you are moving your legs your butt is what pulls your leg under your pelvis, so squeeze your ass when you walk sometimes as if you're minting a coin - do it at least a few minutes a day and you'll see some differences in no time - or you'll have minted enough money to buy yourself a pair of pants in a larger size - eeek! Even worse - you may have to buy one of these to distract from your jiggly-ness.

So you have finished reading the post, now you can read some other entries, leave a comment, or shoot me an email - but within the next 3 minutes you better be off your duff and movin' that booty.

Handling Love . . . Handles

Alright, so there is a guy I often see at the gym (one where I workout, not the one where I work) and he is constantly grabbing his lower back. He's not grabbing in a way that suggests "oh wow, my lower back really hurts," instead, he's grabbing in a way that suggests he hates his body. He winces and frowns and runs with his hands on his lower back as if he's trying to hide them from everybody in the gym.

For some reason this really bothers me.

I see this kid at the gym almost every single night and I each time I see him looking at himself in the mirror grabbing at his "love handles." He seems frustrated and obsessed with it. Here is what I can ascertain from a distance:

• he wants to lose body fat
• he works out at least five times a week
• he does at least 30 minutes of cardio on 3 of those days
• he incorporates resistance training
• he's gay (it's relevant because it likely causes unrealistic expectations about his body)

So from my limited data, he's doing a good job at his own battle - he is highly motivated and has a goal in mind, things trainers love to see in their own clients. However, he could switch up a couple of things in order to get better and faster results:

First, we must admit that there are some things about our bodies that we can't change. We're given a frame and there is nothing you can do at the gym to change it. You can however, make the most of what you're given. Obsessing about it actually makes it nearly impossible to change it. Even when this kid has zero fat, he is still going to think and believe he has those pesky love handles, which consequently on him are not that bad at all.

Second, cardio is key to losing fat but more effective when accompanied with some resistance training on different days. The weekly general rule for working up a sweat is 3 days to feel good, 5 days to look good. However, cardio doesn't just mean jumping on the treadmill or elliptical for 30 minutes. To fight some wicked fat and to kick your cardio ass try doing radical intervals that alternate between 70 and 85% of your maximum heart rate (If you want help figuring this out, let me know). I suggest 2 minutes at the low end followed by 1 minute at the high end. Same rule applies if you're on the rower (which I prefer over the others), or the ultimate cardio experience -- the VersaClimber.

Third, this kid does "work out" with weights. That's good because we all know that the more muscle you have - the more calories you burn during rest. But since he clearly wants to lose some extra weight he should be engaged in a nice little circuit jumping from set to set with no rest. So instead of spending 20 minutes doing a few sets of dramatic bench presses and dumbbell flys he would be better served going from a press to a row to a fly to a reverse fly to a pull down to a shoulder press several times at a medium weight followed by a similar circuit for the lower body and abs. After a few weeks of doing this three times a week - he'll be happy.

So I see this kid pretty much every night but have never talked to him. I feel funny just going up to people at the gym. No matter how sly it would seem like a pick up and that's not my intent. Last night he was there with two other guys (which really slowed down his already slow workout). One guy left and gave him a kiss before doing so . . . only in New York will you see two guys kissing on the floor of a gym. Ok, ok so this gym is in the Village so I guess it's safe to say it's to be expected.

Your Chest and Hips just want to be Free

Alright friends, so I have to devote at least some space to actual fitness knowledge. For today I'll hold back on the many sordid tales of lockerroom debauchery and blurry boundaries of the personal trainer realm.

Today's focus is on the part of the body most mentioned when I first meet somebody interested in training: their midsection. Abs, tummy, belly - you know the place. It's the single most featured part of the body on the faceless profile pics that closeted guys use online and it's the site on most people's body where so much war is waged on fat that it makes the actual Battle of the Bulge seem minor in comparison.

There is a lot to say about this part of the body but today's focus is on that region's ability to move. Your chest and hips are not one unit, they are independent chunks of your body - but so much we do limits our flexibility between the two. Most people are just huge stiffies - what I am asking you to do is to increase the range of motion that your chest has, independent of your hips. The primary muscles involved are your Transverse Abdominus for stability and your Internal and External Obliques for movement and strength.

Before even thinking about this concept you should have mastered the "drawing in" maneuver. You'll need to be able to engage your Transverse Abdominus, an ultra thin but wide belt-like muscle that basically holds in your guts. It's the deepest layer of the "core" muscle group and it's responsible for providing the stability and erect humanoid posture we've been into since we tossed off the whole ape scene eons ago.

Let's try something. Sit up nice and tall in your chair, feet flat on the floor shoulder width apart. Exhale a nice long breath and pull that belly button back toward your spine and press your lower back closer to the back of the chair. Now do it again, but this time -- don't let your chest move down, keep your shoulders and chest nice and tall - you should feel like your abs are stretching long while tightening closer. Ideally you'll also feel a slight pull on your pelvis. Hold this position for the entire time you exhale, then relax just that midsection while you inhale. Do this for a minute or so. Come on - nobody will know you're doing it - it's ok to have good posture.

Alright. So keeping that in mind - I want you to lift your arms up as if you were hugging somebody. Clasp your hands together. Check to see that your shoulders are not rising. Now inhale and twist to the right, keeping your hips squared front and your feet on the floor. Exhale and twist back to the front, pulling your belly button back like we did a minute ago. Repeat on the left.

This is an important stretch and core development exercise. Once you have done it seated, you can do it on the ground but this time keeping your shoulder/chest complex stationary while you move your hips from side to side, commonly known as the Hip Crossover.

This is a "pre-hab" exercise that serves as a good warmup for some hardcore ab exercises. As we get older we get stiffer - and your ability to move your chest independent of your hips allows you greater performance, reduces lower back pain, and allows you to work those sexy oblique muscles that run diagonally across your midsection.

For any advanced readers, I suggest the side plank twist to achieve these same results - increased stability of the pillar and increased strength and movement in the obliques. The picture of the guy in red shorts should help you - I happen to think it's a really good image - one that keeps me very interested in the exercise. Good luck.